Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
