You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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