she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
