Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
