Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
