he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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