using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
