I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
