i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
