yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
