Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
