Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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