I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
