I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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