it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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