I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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