okay pat passed out under dana's car
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
