It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
