I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Girls should come with a carfax report
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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