There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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