dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
