On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
