This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
