after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
