There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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