If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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