I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
