There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
