i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
