i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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