Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
