either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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