someone get that fucking seahorse.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
