Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
