I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
