Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
