I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
