I faked an abortion last night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
