i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
