Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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