I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
