We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
