so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
