how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
