I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
