My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
