i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
