Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
