My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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