im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
