Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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